Whorescopes – Work It

This episode we look to the stars to see what job fits you best according to the zodiac. 

Aries

They say Aries work themselves to death, and no job puts people into an early grave like food service. Your overbearing nature will push you through the ranks of paper hats and polo shirts to becoming what you always act like anyway- the manager. The fast-food shithole that you call your empire will have a high turnover, since it’s nearly impossible to work for a control freak like you. You’ll end up somehow burning your asshole on the fry-o-lator since Aries are prone to accidents involving fire and buttholes. So sayeth the planets. 

Taurus 

You hate change so you surround yourself with the same junk you had as a kid. Being an obsessive collector makes you a perfect Antique Salesman. You’re a perfectionist and stingy as fuck so you price everything too high to actually sell. Your business won’t do very well. Especially when your hidden temper flares and your highly opinionated big mouth gets you in trouble with the wrong customer. He’ll smash everything in your store. After cleaning up after the man who pummeled the inventory you’ll step on a rusty nail, says the stars. 

Gemini

Since you’ll never figure out who the fuck you are, you’ll never figure out what the fuck to do. Your career is Unemployed. You will probably go back to school a dozen times for various degrees that never quite add up to a career. You’ve tried a myriad of jobs that lead no where and found lying (mostly to yourself) to be your best business skill. You start law school since lawyers are some of the best paid liars, but instead, drop out and start a disability scam. It will be relatively successful until a PI takes pics of you carrying water jugs from your car. Although you do end up falling in love with your parole officer. According to the heavens. 

Cancer

You’re a good listener, though you’re cranky and snappy when asked for advice. These qualities will lead you down the career of a Social Worker. You’ll hate your job but your loyalty will keep you showing up everyday to the hell hole that is the Social Service System. On the positive side, this will allow you to wallow in self-pity which you love to do. It will also make it easier to be indifferent to anyone’s problems but your own. So, like most Social Workers, you won’t do shit for anyone you try to “help.” You’ll take months skirting around your case files, never really talking to your clients about their hardships. Finally, one of them comes in and sets your desk on fire. In May, watch out!

Leo

Since you demand being the center of attention, are a strange caricature instead of an actual human, and already live in a delusional dreamworld, you will be the perfect clown. No where has your flamboyant antics fit in more perfectly than the circus. Plus, you already scare the fuck out of children. You’re a natural. Be warned you may suffer a terrible accident when you try to give yourself oral while burning donuts in the tiny clown car you stole for your “joy ride” under the Big Top. You sick fuck. 

Virgo

There’s only one job for someone as ANAL-retentive as you, you prissy neurotic shit-cleaner-upper! Your job is cleaning up Port-O-Potties in the Mission. Someone has to do it and you’re the perfect neat-freak for the job. The fucked up thing is, you kind of like it. Yet in your hypocritic nature you will complain; all the while grumbling about how all those dirty fucks couldn’t hold it until they got home, or at least until they got to the toilet seat.

Libra

Sitting in a stuffy little hidey hole, making up the most wild stories about yourself you can, and getting paid for it? Thats right-your dream job is soap opera screenwriter. You know that you’re not the hero in real life, but you can always dream up unrealistic problems your limited skill set could solve. Why do you think there are so many books about librarians, novelists and professors becoming important characters in a sexy mystery? Because delusional Libras all over the world are sitting at their desks pretending to be main characters galavanting all over the world while are in fact covered in cheeto dust and dandruff.

Scorpio

Let’s face it, you got some proclivities. The only job an over-sexed dominant freak like you can hold down is a Farm Animal Artificial Inseminator. It would somehow satisfy your obsessive tendencies as well as your idealist views of how important your career is. You delude yourself by believing you’re “making life” (or even playing God) when really you’re just knocking up pigs. It’ll be this fantasy that’ll keep you showing up to work. According to the stars, you’re going to catch an STI.

Sagaittarius 

Since you can never make a deadline, your job must include none. In fact the perfect career for a reckless extrovert like you is Gym Teacher. You have zero responsibility since the kids never respect you enough to ever come to you with their problems. The hardest part of your job will be learning the rules of frisbee golf and getting the smell of locker rooms out of your clothes. You’ll have summers off to get wasted somewhere none of your community knows you get arrested for simultaneous public vomiting and urination on the regs. Make sure to sterilize your collection of whistles or you may never get rid of those cold sores. As foretold by the stars. 

Capricorn 

Or should we say COP-ricorn. You’re such a fucking dullard that you’d make the perfect law enforcement drone. Your worst nightmare is thinking for yourself. Falling in line is your M.O. and you’ll lead your department in taking out your problems on the homeless and working class. We would say you’d lose all your friends over this decision, but we know you don’t have any. You reek with the foul stench of rotten pork chops, so sayeth the stars. 

Aquarius

Your ability to ignore other people’s needs and feelings will make you the perfect landlord. You will have no problem rationalizing the eviction of whole families and fixed income elderlies while you sit on your lazy ass and ignore their pleas for patience. Even tho you are lucky to have anyone live under your roof with all the leaks, cracks and failings your half assed efforts bring to the table. You’re so paranoid of your tenets that you regularly snoop through their homes and spy on them constantly. You should be careful of this, for one night you may see one of your tenents is a Medusa and she turns you into stone. As it is written in the sky.

Pisces

You can read people and influence them easily with your easy going nature. This and your self centered, entitled attitude makes you perfect for leading a cult. you tend to surround yourself with weak or broken people ready to follow your every whim. why not make it into a career? Whether you spew some of the bland platitudes or vague attempts at advice you’re infamous for, or some real nuggets of wisdom, it won’t matter. you and your freaky cult will be so hopped up on goofballs and paint thinner you could be reading the back of a shampoo bottle to your followers and they’d worship you. Until you demand castration and mandatory pet ferrets, which is when it all falls apart and you end up on the run with a RV full of marmots. So sayeth the oracle.